i'm back and i have a few thoughts.

and just like that, i logged back into this baby and dusted off my keyboard. is anyone still out there? we'll see. a lot has been going on over the past month or so. a lot of things that are still up in the air and a lot of questions are unanswered. you see, i had big hopes for a huge turn of events on this blog. a month ago, i was packing up my life and moving away. i was comparing prices for moving trucks and talking to realtors. i was selling pieces that i knew wouldn't move well and i was ready for the biggest change of my life. that change was supposed to take place yesterday. August 1st. my new life was supposed to begin. and it isn't. it went away. a mixture of fear, hesitation and the wrong circumstances leaves me still here in cincinnati, feeling like i failed myself and that i proved plenty of people right in thinking that i was never leaving in the first place.  in the meantime of figuring out what i'm doing, i'm keeping my head up. i'm trying everyday to stay positive, hopeful and try to convince myself that things are going to work out the way they are supposed to. it's time for a new apartment, a new job and a new way of looking at things. the forefront of my mind is filled with fear. fear of not progressing. fear of looking back and wondering where my time went and what i was wasting it doing. i've always had a hard time looking at things optimistically. i'm a realist. and if you ask me, or others like me, we get a bad rap and are misconstrued as being pessimistic and it's one of the biggest demons we face. i don't like things being sugar coated. i don't like when people try and fill my head with nonsense to make me feel better or to see the best possible outcome in something. if one more person tells me "things are going to work out the way they're supposed to" my eyes are going to explode. of course things will work out how they're supposed to! how the hell would we know if they didn't?! these are the thoughts that keep me right at around 4 hours of sleep a night. these, as well as wondering what styrofoam is made of.

i know that everything has and does and will work out the way it's supposed to. i know that every dot in our life connects when we look backward. no one drops us into our situations or the lives that we have. we get here with every decision we make. and every day, we look back at our choices we make and think of how happy or regretful we are for the ones we do or don't make. i've ran red lights and wound up with speeding tickets that i regret. i've also said yes to dates that i dreaded and ended up having the time of my life. i get it universe. we are all in control of our own shit. i hear ya loud and clear. so while half of my life is packed in boxes and i don't know exactly what my next plan of attack is on life, i'll get thru knowing that i have full control over it and no one can do that for me.

don't think that i shut my brain off while i was away. i've had thoughts. most of them are jumbled up somewhere in my iCloud floating about my head, but some are written below. they don't mean anything, but i wanted to remember them. 

The Library: 

recently, i had the pleasure of updating my resume. it's not a pleasure. it's a pain in the ass. we all know what goes into working at a restaurant and that our people skills are sometimes subjective. but, never the less, i picked a nice font and made sure all of my bullet points lined up neatly and i was proud that it filled a page. and while the world is connected thru computer screens, hard copies of these silly, yet life altering documents, are still imperative for WHATEVER reason. so off to the library i went. the big one. the one downtown that has 12 street entrances and twists and turns all over. you guys… have you been to the library lately? it's nearly perfect. first of all, it's quiet. in a calming way. not a panicky way like when i walk into a doctor's office and i want to scream as loud as i can. there's a sense of peace and solidarity between everyone there. and that smell. oh my god the smell of the library is intoxicating. now granted, this is coming from someone that would buy a candle that smelled like a thrift store so my opinion holds very little ground but still. that place smells so amazing. and while walking thru and looking for a cluster of computers to jump on, i passed by sooo much goodness. dinosaur bone structures that nearly reached the ceiling. a table full of old men with dirty faces and ratty clothes played chess. kids sat indian style on the floor reading books bigger than them. it was all pretty great. i didn't want to leave. i think i'll be going back more soon.

Girls and their makeup:

i love to feel good about myself as much as the next person. i take just as many selfies as you and i'm not ashamed to think to myself "dang girl. lookin good today" to myself. BUT! don't think for a minute that i don't take my ass to the grocery store in pajama pants with my hair in some sort of remnants of a ponytail. honestly, it's embarrassing. but who cares? i mean, we all do. nearly allll of us care. but god i wish we didn't. i wish all the girls on the planet could unite and say no more makeup all together. no more face paint and all the other shit that comes with it. i'm sure you've had plenty of guys tell you they love you just as much without a face full of makeup, right? me too. i only wear the stuff to keep up with the girls around me. but if we all said no more, and just walked around clean faced, ohhhh it would be glorious. but it only works if we all jump on board. this will never happen, but i would love it so much.

Coffee

i remember all through elementary school, my grandma put me on the bus. we lived in a mobile home behind her house and every morning i ran thru her backdoor, past the kitchen and into the front living room. we would both stand at the front door and wait to see the bus. 7:30 am is always cold and i would blow my hot breathe onto the glass door and scratch my initials into the frost and watch as it froze back up again. and every morning, she wore a mint green robe, thin from probably hundred of washes and she drank her coffee straight out of a mason jar. and 20 years ago, at the age of 8, there was nothing quite as glamorous to me as my grandmother's vanilla flavored coffee. she would let me have a few sips and i would run to the bus thinking that sip was what got me through my days. as though the daily hardships of a third grader were somehow made less grueling by a sip of coffee at 7:30 in the morning. ah, kids. and now years later, i still think it's my coffee that gets me thru the days. except now it's iced and black and made in my own kitchen. some habits stayed with me though, as i still prefer it served out of a mason jar. and anytime i go to my coffee shop down the street or to a starbucks i always love listening to people's orders. and wondering how they got to this point. some people probably just heard their friend order a drink once and said "i'll have that, too" someone was maybe on a date and just picked something quick and easy and cheap. someone else was probably on a bad date and picked something obnoxious and expensive because hey i'll never see this guy again. some people take the recommendations from their trusted baristas. or maybe your grandma let you drink some of her vanilla coffee every morning, too, and it's been your favorite for 20 years. the whole idea of everyone having their own set way to take their coffee and wondering how they came about it is tripping me out. i gotta stop thinking about. i've clearly had too much caffeine.