Every 3 years, i get a massage.

a hundred years ago while in beauty school, i learned 3 pretty important things about myself: one being i can not pull off a mohawk, no matter how hard i tried. the second being that half of my brain was attracted to girls (that was a fun realization) and lastly and most importantly, that i am body kinesthetic person. in the simplest terms, it just means i connect to things best by touching. if i'm trying to learn something, i can't really read it out of a book or have someone tell me about it. i gotta get my hands on it. so while being a touchy kind of person, nothing makes me feel better than having contact with others. play with my hair, do my makeup, even getting my eyebrows done is relaxing and almost numb numbingly therapeutic. i can't be sure, but i don't see me being that pregnant woman getting mad about my stomach being touched. touch away! i love it. so, while being on a huuuuge FRIENDS kick lately, and watching Phoebe give plenty of massages over the seasons, it got me craving one for my poor, stands-on-her-feet-all-day self. i haven't had a massage in nearly 3 years and the last one was a birthday gift from my x (on the same day we broke up! it was less than relaxing as you can imagine) so i was due to say the least for another. i logged my happy ass onto my groupon account that hasn't been touched in years and bought an hour long massage for $30 and had 7 whole days to wait patiently for it. 

when the day finally came, this past thursday, i realized that working in salons for years has ruined my brain. don't get me wrong, the massage was amazingggg but there's just something about dark hallways and weird music and low speaking staff members that made me an absolute nervous wreck. am i the only one? i just wanted to scream for no reason. so i laid down for my massage and it was great. she was great. the experience was great and i haven't felt so relaxed in a while. buuut that didn't stop me from having 200 thoughts while laying there and analyzing the situation. if i had paid full price for it, i may have zoned out more. but for $30 an hour, i had lots of thoughts. and here's a few: 

while the girl was working on my upper legs, I wanted to tell her I was sorry but I'm schedule to get my bikini wax next week and I'm not actually a muppet. i figured she's probably seen worse but i know how salon break rooms work and i would prefer it not go in my file that i'm a furry monster. 

a massage is a great way to get a free mammogram. unless she was hitting on me and i didn't take the bait. 

I basically wrote this post in my head while laying there, deeming the massage almost irrelevant since I wasnt relaxing a bit. but still, it seemed worth it at the time.

I'm way too scared to ever tell them to go harder or softer. No way. Too critical. I'll just lay here wishing I hadn't chosen 9 on the 1-10 scale of how deep I wanted. seriously there were points that i was wincing in pain and when she asked how it was i just gave a tear filled "great!"

I could have done without Sarah McLachlin singing the whole time, but after that first scalp massage all you hear is wah wah wah wah. Also, you drool. or i did. mouth breathers unite!

My theory is strong that the worse your hair and mascara look when you leave, the better your Massage was. And I looked like I just came out of a dryer. Even my pony tail is relaxed. my eye makeup was very relaxed, too. 

If you're lucky, like me, the walls will be thin, the roof will be made of something that amplifies sound and there will be a thunderstorm happening outside. if you're even luckier, the electricity will go out. Thus making the room darker and quieter. Thanks god my masseuse wasn't plugged into the wall. 

Be prepared to be an oily, lemongrass and cardamom scented ball of relaxation when you leave. Im actually writing this in my car because I don't trust myself to drive after having each one of my toes played with for 10 minutes.  

you'll also leave a massage feeling much more compelled to go spend money on coffee drinks, shit from target and new kitchenware. or at least i did. because whateverrrrr it's just moneyyyy and my whole body feels like jelloooooo. so there you have it, my last massage for probably another 3 years. not a bad way to spend a thursday afternoon.

note: Getting out of the parking lot after an hour-long relaxing massage is no easy feat. I went down a one-way accidentally and went through a bank drive-through the wrong direction. i can't be the first one though, right?