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2.15.2018

a Valentine's day baby update

^ two half dozen roses, one from each baby, as my Valentine's day gift. Oh, and my husband got me a bag of Doritos too. Three perfect gifts that I won't put in order of importance 

happy day after Valentine's! I'm writing this from my bed where I'm grabbing mystery chocolates from a heart shaped box and just hoping for the best (the ones with the cherry in the middle? gross. So so gross) it's been a long couple of weeks of growing humans and so far all I can say is- I'm not sure how the population is so high. I don't think I could do this a second time. Granted, I've been reassured by several moms that have had single pregnancies and have also carried twins and pretty much all of them agree that twins are just ... harder.  I hate to sound like an even whiner victim, but I'm trying to tell myself that every time I feel myself starting to lose it or think there's something wrong with me. I posted a photo on my Instagram account recently acknowledging how hard this has been so far and the out pour of love from so many mamas from all over was overwhelmingly beautiful. It makes me feel less alone (and crazy) when other women are telling me that this is all normal. And yes, we are lucky. yes, this is a blessing. yes, this is beautiful. But fuck, I am allowed to tell the world how uncomfortable I am and let everyone out there know that pregnancy is not just sunshine, rainbows, and cute monthly bump photos. It's hard. And I love all of you for letting me scream that from the rooftops freely. 

Our babies are growing like crazy and it's soooo cool to read my pregnancy app every morning and see what's going on in there and what's on their agenda. I call my midwives way more often than I care to admit and ask the most lame questions that I need answered immediately: can I eat blue cheese crumbles? Can I sit in a hot bathtub? Can I take a men's multivitamin if I run out of my prenatals? Can my kids sense when I'm masturbating? (the answers in order: yes, yes, yes, LOL no) and luckily, they are all angels with senses of humor and seem to deal with crazy people like me on the regular.  But god aren't women just such bad asses?! I can't believe our bodies can do this! and t's no wonder I'm exhausted all the time. "Sorry I didn't get around to doing the laundry today, I'm growing eyeballs and toes for two people growing inside of me." has become my new go to joke and luckily, I live with a saint. Andrew has kept the house clean, fridge full, laundry done, rubs my legs, let's me cry all the time, sleeps on the couch, and runs every errand under the sun so that I can focus only on relaxing and staying alive over here. We're almost out of the "hard part" and I'm already seeing a bump growing, my skin looking better, and my mood is slowly improving. 
We went to dinner last night to celebrate our last Valentine's day where we can avoid a wait and sit at a bar.  We held hands and kissed and enjoyed the date that has been our first in a while. But about forty minutes later, I was ready for the check and to get my ass back home.  just writing this out has exhasusted me so it's time for my 3rd bowl of cinnamon toast crunch for the day and yet another nap. 
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2.06.2018

we're pregnant times two and holy crap what!?

ok, so I know in my last post I may have briefly at length written about my uncontrollable anxiety. I may have touched a little bit on how my emotions have been insane lately. I guess I left out a pretty big piece of the puzzle. We're pregnant! The story is kinda funny and kinda awful but it's ours to share and share we shall! 

a few weeks back Friday the 19th of January, we were on our way to a ski trip with family.  I had been looking forward to it since even before our wedding and couldn't wait to hit the slopes with my brand new husband and the fam. So we woke up that morning and started our drive up north when I just started feeling.... off. I feel nauseous and uncomfortable in the car and totally had an out of body experience of feeling weird. It scared the shit out of me. We stopped multiple times for me to get out of the car and just breath a little bit. I called my mom at one stop and her first question, as always, was "could you be pregnant?" i can't explain how much that woman has wanted a grand kid and so it's always her first solution to any problem. So at this point, my answer was "no, I think I'm just having some sort of anxiety attack? kinda? I don't know." so a few more Wendy's bathrooms later, we were finally at our hotel. I was dehydrated so after chugging several plastic cups of water and gumming down a banana, I felt just the slightest bit better. slightly. We're talkin' don't look at me, don't breathe toward me, don't ask how I'm feeling because it could shift at any second. We shared a room that night with my mom and step dad where I sucked on peppermints and cried myself to sleep. In the morning, I felt awful again. Tingly handles, hotter than hell, and nauseous again. I had looked forward to this trip for weeks and I wanted to experience skiing with Andrew who had never been so I gave it my best effort to suck it up, get my ski clothes on, and get in the car. Five minutes later, upon arrival at the ski lodge, I knew that skiing wasn't in my future that day. I walked out of the lodge by myself and threw up in some bushes while snowboarders walked by. It was a lovely site to see I'm sure! I finally made it to my car where I knew something was wrong. I told Andrew I cannot do this and I gotta get out of here. 

It made sense to us, being from out of town and having no clue what was wrong with me, to hit up the Wal Mart pharmacy down the street. But it took about 2 minutes of the pharmacist watching me sob for her to suggest we go to the urgent care down the road. SO! We get there and I poured my heart out to a doctor. I felt like I was losing my mind, couldn't breathe, I didn't want anyone to try and console me, and nothing made me feel better. The doctor was sweet enough and pretty much just summed up this was an anxiety attack of some kind and without much more discussion, she sent us across the street to Walgreens with a prescription in my hands for Prozac and Xanax. At this point, I guess I felt a little bit of relief knowing that magical pills would soon be in my hand, but even sitting in the Walgreens waiting area, I couldn't shake the feeling that something else was going on. So, while Andrew munched on a small box of cheerios and some Starbucks drink in the lobby chairs, I bought the cheapest pregnancy test Walgreens had to offer. And about 30 seconds later, our world was flipped on its ass because holy fuck babe we are pregnant! My first reaction was crying and laughing and crying because holy crap is this real!? And my soon after second reaction was yelling to the pharmacist "don't hand me a Xanax! Don't give me Prozac! We're pregnant!" we caused quite a scene. Well, I did. So big that the pharmacist came out from her little cubicle to give me a hug and say "congrats! You might wanna head back over to the urgent care" so we did. The doctor apologized for not immediately asking if there was any chance we were pregnant and we all three had a good, nervous, terrified laugh. I must have asked Andrew "what are you thinking right now?" 10 times in the 5 minute drive back to the ski lodge, where I couldn't find my mom soon enough. She was sitting at a table in the lodge when we pulled out our pregnancy test and changed her world forever. She screamed, she cried, she hugged us, and then she got back on the ski lift haha. I called my dad and a few others because I can't keep a secret to save my life (obviously) and that was that. We were pregnant. Married for a few months with a baby on the way, no clue how far along, and with a million questions that would remain unanswered until we got home. I owe the world to my baby cousin for paving the pregnancy path for me. She suggested I try out her OBGYN and saved me god only knows how much time and stress of finding someone I liked. So we made our first appointment for Tuesday the 23rd, where we learned 1. Yep, you guys are pregnant and 2. You're not very far along at all. So it didn't leave much room for excitement, more so just anxiety of hoping everything would be fine for the next few weeks. 

*this appointment was on Tuesday. It was that Friday night that we decided to not go on our trip. I know, I'm a big fat liar. While everything in my post was true, my anxiety was through the roof and it was an honest nightmare, it's safe to assume that my pregnancy hormones had a huge part in all of it*

So a few weeks went by of no more smoking, no more drinking, plenty of puking, lots of crying, and about 100 questions asked and answered in various mommy Facebook pages. Which leads us to today!!! The day started like I knew it would, me crying because i was terrified. Terrified to not hear a heartbeat, scared that the baby was a dream we made up, worried that somehow I wasn't doing enough to keep it alive for those two long weeks. Andrew assured me that no matter what, we were fine. We weren't trying, we're young, we will be OK no matter what. So we got to our appointment, laid down on the table, and stared up at the screen hoping to see anything resembling what I've googled as a healthy fetus floating around in there. And then we heard it- a heart beat! A tiny little heartbeat of a hummingbird that instantly made me cry in relief. We did it! So far, so good, and it's alive and my body did what it was supposed to do!

Everything looked good and we all three started giggling about the good news. And then the technician moved around her vagina probe and told us she had some kind of sad news. There was a second sac but it looked as though it didn't grow the way it was supposed to. The thoughts of two babies was way too much for my head to wrap around but it was a wild thought for a second. whoa. two. could you imagine? And then, with a little more navigating with that wand of hers, 5 seconds later, she says "oh wait. Hang on. yep! there it is, two! Two heartbeats. Do you see them?" 

and I did. I saw two little firecrackers up on the screen blinking like crazy and I couldn't stop laughing and haven't stop laughing since 11 am this morning when our lives changed x2. 
we are having twins. Twin babies. Two babies will be relying on us to keep them alive and love them forever and while it still doesn't feel real, it feels right. It feels like whoever is controlling this universe knew that Andrew and I would have enough love and life to give to not one baby, but two. We are so blessed and even now, several hours later it's hard to see my computer screen through the tears. We're scared, we're nervous, and we're gonna be broke forever haha. But holy shit- here we go!! babies!!!  
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1.31.2018

today, I'm 30!

I haven't posted in a while because while this blog is my baby and has been for many years, we've had a lot going on. But I owe it to myself to keep all of my thoughts straight so here I am writing now after a long hot shower with my hair twisted up in a white fluffy towel and my robe on with my fingers going a mile a minute and making countless errors because I feel like I have so much to get out and we'll see if it all makes sense in the end.

I wasn't supposed to be writing from my bed on my thirtieth birthday. We weren't supposed to be in Ohio at all. And this past Friday night, maybe 10 hours before we were supposed to be getting on a plane for Jamaica, I had the worst panic attack I've had since I can remember and through the tears I begged my husband to let us stay home. Anyone that knows Andrew knows that all he wants to do is make everyone around him happy and comfortable. I honestly get sick to my stomach thinking about how some men would have reacted in the same situation and how they would have dragged me onto the plane, kicking and screaming. I'm so lucky that I wasn't forced to feel guilty or stupid and while I watched him slowly unpack his suitcase back into his closet, I let out a sigh of relief that I knew I had made the right choice. I listened to my head, heart, and gut and I would like to think that my twenties helped teach me to do that. Listening to yourself is fucking scary because you can talk yourself in and out of just about any situation, but once I was able to take control of what was going to happen to me, I could exhale. I could start to feel my hands again, my heart rate was calming down, and I was absolutely over the moon knowing we would be staying home for my birthday. "Jamaica isn't going anywhere, babe" is about all Andrew said and I'm grateful. I don't think any amount of coaxing or breathing exercises would have got me on that plane, but it's just nice to know that my partner was in my corner. My corner in Ohio.

I bought that terribly delightful and tacky as hell treasure of a romper up there for my birthday night dinner in Jamaica. I thought a photo of us on my birthday with me wearing that would be the icing on the cake of a perfect birthday trip to send my twenties off in style. But that didn't happen. what did happen was Sunday night, while I was slowly putting away my clothes from my suitcase that I had forgotten about for two days, I saw my romper. Crunched up in a little ball next to my hair dryer and several bathing suits. I was so excited to buy this thing and now what? nothing? It will just never get to see its glory as being the perfect Jamaican thirtieth birthday outfit? It just didn't seem fair... to the romper. So while watching the Grammy's, I sat and did my makeup and hair and put on my birthday outfit and took this photo. Afterward, I changed right back out of it into my sweatpants and t shirt and washed my face. I kept that curly hair until about an hour ago. The romper went right to the back of my closet and who knows if it will ever see the light of day again but I'm glad I kept it and I'm even more glad that I trusted myself to have this photo in my bathroom, at home, where I wanted to be.

It's my birthday today. I'm thirty. Thirty freaking years old and I can't figure out yet if I totally feel it or if it will take a few, probably 12, months to set in. But I think I did my twenties proud and I'm happy to be here in the "Thirty Club" that I didn't know existed but now that I know about it, I'll be running for secretary. My twenties seemed to last forever and not long at all but I'm happy to report that most of the memories look like they were well written by someone with an excellent sense of humor. I learned that a vodka & tonic is my drink of choice, having more friends does not equal having more love in your life, and sometimes the best gifts that life can hand you are right in front of you. I look back on most of my twenties and I just gotta laugh- especially when I think back on my dating history. Oy. It leaves me with a pit in my stomach and being nearly embarrassed by most of it. So much drama and being jealous and making other's jealous and feeling bad and making other's feel bad. I'm glad it's all over. I look back on struggling to get through obstacles that other people thought were right for me and wishing I had stood up for myself more. I guess the point is I feel like I could fill a library with my wealth of life knowledge that my twenties gave me, and save the next girl some time, but I'm assuming most thirty year old women agree and let's face it- typing is exhausting. So one simple post here is enough to say hey twenties! You were harder than hell and so fucking amazing but it's time I moved on and left you with new girls ready to learn all of your lessons. If there's one thing I took away from this past decade, It's that I never once have spoken my mind or stood up for myself or for how I felt and regretted it. I should have done it even more. My mouth has gotten me in plenty of trouble, and I assume it's more annoying than inspiring for most people, but I tried to never be the one to sit back and not speak up and I'm proud to walk into my thirties standing tall with an even bigger mouth and opinion. Get ready!

My emotions are on high today and every few minutes, my phone is lighting up with another person telling me to have a happy birthday and that they love me. I'm bawling. I'm completely overwhelmed by it. I can't believe how lucky I am to have so many people choose to be in my life and stick around for the good and the bad. I love you all right back and thank you for being a part of my 20's.
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1.09.2018

my favorite skin and hair products

1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5

While I have been purging the shit out of this house, the hair and skin products section of my bathroom vanity seems to be the least affected. I try it all and I keep it all when it comes to my skin, and my hair too. (I guess it was ever since that magical haircut) anyway, I pray that our children inherit Andrew's nearly perfect and excessively forgiving skin and not mine. It's only been about ten years since I realized that my skin is and as always been the most sensitive and hard to make happy. Hell, even when I was at the beginning of the wedding dress picking process, I said to myself "cover it all. Ya never know what part of this body might be breaking out in four months." it would be my luck that my skin was actually pretty delightful that day, but whatever. 

so here's a few of my favorite skin and hair products from this past month or so. I am the worst worst worst when it comes to making beauty habits and trying to have strict routines, but when you start seeing improvements, it's a lot easier to remember!

OK number one isn't so much a skin care product but good grief we purchased the Lush Sleepy lotion. Infused with lavender goodness, it will knock you out in about five minutes. Which has to be good for your skin right??? 
Number two is something I'm trying to get better at incorporating in my weekly routine: putting good stuff on my skin before smothering it in makeup garbage. This face oil is super light weight and a little goes a long way. I put it on and let it dry before I start putting on my concealer and makeup and it glides on like butter.
Number three is... Oh man... a very fortunate discovery that I did not anticipate. We were out of town in Columbus after our bridal shower and walked into a funky little shop that was way too cool for us and I refused to leave without buying something. This hair oil wasn't the cheapest purchases I've ever made, but it's worth it. And for me to say that is a big damn deal. The smell is amazing, it's extra light and I swear it's helping repair my ends. And as you can see from two months of use, a little goes a looong way!
Number four I can't say enough good things about these oils. The company even gives out free trial samples, They're animal friendly plant based photos, and my skin is getting firmer every. single. day.
Number five remember that terrible skin I told you about? Oh man. I saved the best for last. The Ordinary skincare line is making the best products I've ever tried in my adult life without a prescription, for a fraction of other's prices, for acne prone skin. Nothing has ever worked so well for my skin for under $10.  For $10, I'll try most anything so it was right up my alley. I also tend to trust a brand based on the branding and fonts on the stickers. Luckily, what's in the bottles is just as delightful as what's on the outside!
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1.07.2018

a new year and an old friend

Gah, we are just one week into 2018 and I'm already feeling more at ease and less anxious than I did last year. Blame it on a nightmare election, planning a wedding, or several other large life experiences but 2017 kicked my ass. After the confetti settled on the New Years Eve celebration, I sat down with my brand new husband and told him I want this next year to count. I want us to not only make goals, but knock them outta the park. (one of my personal NY resolutions is to try and understand sports more. Hence the "knock them outta the park" slang.) We landed on five that were important for us as a newly married couple including taking more advantage of our city and going out in it more, cooking together 4 nights a week, and being more honest with each other. That last one is probably the one I want to focus on the most. I jokingly say that lying is OK if it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings but lately I've realized that that might not be the best road to lead one's life down so nothing but the truth in this house, no matter how brutal! ... oh, and no more shoes in the house. Oh my god, you guys. I've had some extra days off of work lately during our slow season and have been taking full advantage while I can. I've cleaned and purged this house from top to bottom. We're talking vacuumed out the heating ducts, organized the toolboxes, and cleaned the glass window on the oven. But the most disgusting of all the cleaning projects was our floors. Wood floors + a cat + salt & snow + sidewalk germs = me crying. I must have dumped the mop water 5 times from the bathtub and when I was done, the sun was actually gleaming off of the floor. One of my best friends has a no shoe rule in her house and while I love to make fun of her for it, I now get it 100%.

and! speaking of friends how cool is this. I woke up this morning to a message on good old Facebook. It was from my best friend back in high school and she wrote to tell me that she was in town with her husband and wanted to get together for a drink. Fast forward a few hours later, and I was downtown sitting bar stool to bar stool with the girl that ate lunch with me and knew the finer details of when I lost my virginity. My best friend from middle school and high school that I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years! Like any introverted extrovert, I entered the bar feeling like I was going to throw up and wanting to run away but from the second we started talking, I was glad she reached out. It's wild to see your friends from your childhood as adults and hear them talk about their lives and what they've gone on to do. It's also funny to hear them refer to a person that you don't know as their "best friend" because uhhh last time I checked, back in 2006, we were besties... 

2018, is this the kind of awesomeness I should expect for this year? Or are you just showing off? 

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