we're pregnant times two and holy crap what!?

ok, so I know in my last post I may have briefly at length written about my uncontrollable anxiety. I may have touched a little bit on how my emotions have been insane lately. I guess I left out a pretty big piece of the puzzle. We're pregnant! The story is kinda funny and kinda awful but it's ours to share and share we shall! 

a few weeks back Friday the 19th of January, we were on our way to a ski trip with family.  I had been looking forward to it since even before our wedding and couldn't wait to hit the slopes with my brand new husband and the fam. So we woke up that morning and started our drive up north when I just started feeling.... off. I feel nauseous and uncomfortable in the car and totally had an out of body experience of feeling weird. It scared the shit out of me. We stopped multiple times for me to get out of the car and just breath a little bit. I called my mom at one stop and her first question, as always, was "could you be pregnant?" i can't explain how much that woman has wanted a grand kid and so it's always her first solution to any problem. So at this point, my answer was "no, I think I'm just having some sort of anxiety attack? kinda? I don't know." so a few more Wendy's bathrooms later, we were finally at our hotel. I was dehydrated so after chugging several plastic cups of water and gumming down a banana, I felt just the slightest bit better. slightly. We're talkin' don't look at me, don't breathe toward me, don't ask how I'm feeling because it could shift at any second. We shared a room that night with my mom and step dad where I sucked on peppermints and cried myself to sleep. In the morning, I felt awful again. Tingly handles, hotter than hell, and nauseous again. I had looked forward to this trip for weeks and I wanted to experience skiing with Andrew who had never been so I gave it my best effort to suck it up, get my ski clothes on, and get in the car. Five minutes later, upon arrival at the ski lodge, I knew that skiing wasn't in my future that day. I walked out of the lodge by myself and threw up in some bushes while snowboarders walked by. It was a lovely site to see I'm sure! I finally made it to my car where I knew something was wrong. I told Andrew I cannot do this and I gotta get out of here. 

It made sense to us, being from out of town and having no clue what was wrong with me, to hit up the Wal Mart pharmacy down the street. But it took about 2 minutes of the pharmacist watching me sob for her to suggest we go to the urgent care down the road. SO! We get there and I poured my heart out to a doctor. I felt like I was losing my mind, couldn't breathe, I didn't want anyone to try and console me, and nothing made me feel better. The doctor was sweet enough and pretty much just summed up this was an anxiety attack of some kind and without much more discussion, she sent us across the street to Walgreens with a prescription in my hands for Prozac and Xanax. At this point, I guess I felt a little bit of relief knowing that magical pills would soon be in my hand, but even sitting in the Walgreens waiting area, I couldn't shake the feeling that something else was going on. So, while Andrew munched on a small box of cheerios and some Starbucks drink in the lobby chairs, I bought the cheapest pregnancy test Walgreens had to offer. And about 30 seconds later, our world was flipped on its ass because holy fuck babe we are pregnant! My first reaction was crying and laughing and crying because holy crap is this real!? And my soon after second reaction was yelling to the pharmacist "don't hand me a Xanax! Don't give me Prozac! We're pregnant!" we caused quite a scene. Well, I did. So big that the pharmacist came out from her little cubicle to give me a hug and say "congrats! You might wanna head back over to the urgent care" so we did. The doctor apologized for not immediately asking if there was any chance we were pregnant and we all three had a good, nervous, terrified laugh. I must have asked Andrew "what are you thinking right now?" 10 times in the 5 minute drive back to the ski lodge, where I couldn't find my mom soon enough. She was sitting at a table in the lodge when we pulled out our pregnancy test and changed her world forever. She screamed, she cried, she hugged us, and then she got back on the ski lift haha. I called my dad and a few others because I can't keep a secret to save my life (obviously) and that was that. We were pregnant. Married for a few months with a baby on the way, no clue how far along, and with a million questions that would remain unanswered until we got home. I owe the world to my baby cousin for paving the pregnancy path for me. She suggested I try out her OBGYN and saved me god only knows how much time and stress of finding someone I liked. So we made our first appointment for Tuesday the 23rd, where we learned 1. Yep, you guys are pregnant and 2. You're not very far along at all. So it didn't leave much room for excitement, more so just anxiety of hoping everything would be fine for the next few weeks. 

*this appointment was on Tuesday. It was that Friday night that we decided to not go on our trip. I know, I'm a big fat liar. While everything in my post was true, my anxiety was through the roof and it was an honest nightmare, it's safe to assume that my pregnancy hormones had a huge part in all of it*

So a few weeks went by of no more smoking, no more drinking, plenty of puking, lots of crying, and about 100 questions asked and answered in various mommy Facebook pages. Which leads us to today!!! The day started like I knew it would, me crying because i was terrified. Terrified to not hear a heartbeat, scared that the baby was a dream we made up, worried that somehow I wasn't doing enough to keep it alive for those two long weeks. Andrew assured me that no matter what, we were fine. We weren't trying, we're young, we will be OK no matter what. So we got to our appointment, laid down on the table, and stared up at the screen hoping to see anything resembling what I've googled as a healthy fetus floating around in there. And then we heard it- a heart beat! A tiny little heartbeat of a hummingbird that instantly made me cry in relief. We did it! So far, so good, and it's alive and my body did what it was supposed to do!

Everything looked good and we all three started giggling about the good news. And then the technician moved around her vagina probe and told us she had some kind of sad news. There was a second sac but it looked as though it didn't grow the way it was supposed to. The thoughts of two babies was way too much for my head to wrap around but it was a wild thought for a second. whoa. two. could you imagine? And then, with a little more navigating with that wand of hers, 5 seconds later, she says "oh wait. Hang on. yep! there it is, two! Two heartbeats. Do you see them?" 

and I did. I saw two little firecrackers up on the screen blinking like crazy and I couldn't stop laughing and haven't stop laughing since 11 am this morning when our lives changed x2. 
we are having twins. Twin babies. Two babies will be relying on us to keep them alive and love them forever and while it still doesn't feel real, it feels right. It feels like whoever is controlling this universe knew that Andrew and I would have enough love and life to give to not one baby, but two. We are so blessed and even now, several hours later it's hard to see my computer screen through the tears. We're scared, we're nervous, and we're gonna be broke forever haha. But holy shit- here we go!! babies!!!  


  1. I love reading birth stories, but you're making me think there should be a new category of "finding out I'm pregnant stories" - because what a great one! With twins as the result!! Sounds like quite a rollercoaster (those pregnancy hormones don't help a girl's case there), but so very exciting. Congratulations!

    1. thank you! we are still a little shocked haha! gonna be quite a wild ride!


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