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if i were CEO, We'd all be taking naps

Posted on: 9.26.2016

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it's a rainy stormy Monday over here and all i can do is look out my office window and stare at these big delicious raindrops falling and wishing i were home in bed and napping my life away. i hope that the rain sticks around until i'm home back in bed. is that weird? because as of lately, whether it's my new job schedule or whatever, all i can think about is sleep when i'm not at work. i have many of thoughts on sleepy things. and all the inner workings of what makes me sleep best and what ruins my night and here's a few of my brain's opinions on the matter. 

       there are a few tried and true deal breakers in a relationship: disagreements on how to raise a kid, being cheated on, and if they prefer the grossest of all condiments, grape jelly.  But if you ask me- which no one does, but that's the fun of a blog so i'm able to voice my opinion no matter what- there's nothing more sad than meeting someone great and realizing you have very different sleeping habits. agree with me here- you can get a good idea of how compatible two people are based on their bedroom life, and I don't mean the sex. i mean whether or not they are morning people, if they snore loudly or if they get up too many damn times in the middle of the night to pee. The last guy i dated told me that he knew he liked me when I got out of bed at 4 am, went and heated up a styrofoam box of leftovers and ate them in bed naked. It was genuine and easy and comfortable and he loved it. Little did he know that, even though he found this adorable, he would soon learn just how incompatible we were when it came to sleeping. He loved tucking in his sheets tight and basically sleeping like the inner workings of a burrito. I like having both legs out from the covers and usually my butt, too. I fall asleep to my Netflix going and sometime between falling asleep and waking up, it turns itself off. Used to, I needed dead silence or the sounds of a fan to sleep. 

      Within my bed, at all times of the night, lives a 60 pound dog, a half full crushed box of cigarettes, maybe a bra, a vibrator, my cell phone and a 3 foot long phone charger cord, 5 pillows and probably a damp towel from the shower. How I can sleep in this chaos, I don't know. oh, and my dog usually sleeps between my legs so i sleep with my legs bowed out while i lay on my back. also I love to eat in bed so there's usually a crumb or seventy from an abandoned bag of Tostitos. Some would throw me out because of it but that is why I am the Queen of my King size bed. and there's nothing like a good crisp set of bleach white sheets fresh out of the dryer to make you sleep like the dead all night, but that is a project that i have to plan days in advance to make happen. what else... well...period sheets are a thing and they're necessary. did i really need to mention that? eh. we'll just leave that one alone. ladies, unite! and on the topic of sheets, i should mention that, as we all know, i thrift for everything and believe generic is the way to go with most purchases in my life. but i will sit on pins and needles in anticipation when i order a fresh new set of sheets online and wait for them to arrive. and i'll never leave my bed once they're finally on my mattress. you remember how the grandparents on Willy Wonka never left the bed? i would like to believe that it was because they got new sheets on the mattress and i can respect that. 

       and it's totally against any and all Feng Shui books, but i keep my bed up against the window so I can wake up in the middle of a storm and, with my eyes still closed and still being half asleep, i can easily reach up and open my window and let that sound pour in alllll night. Because storms. And sleep. Go hand in hand. and few things in the world compare to afternoon thunderstorm naps with a fresh $5 TJ Maxx candle making your life smell like a dream while you slumber. and since we're on the topic of getting the yummiest kinds of sleep sessions: there are two types of cuddly sleepers: people that say they like it and people that tell the truth. It's hot and you're breathing in my ear and pleeeease get back on your side. I love you, and I'll happily throw a leg over you and steal a kiss during reruns of the office but when the lights go out, peace out lights out. 


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