Posey & Gibson's first month at home

happy one month Posey & Gibson

we made it! one month! the babies are home and growing everyday. i stressed and agonized about these first few days for months while pregnant. how would i do this on my own when Andrew was at work? how would i keep two babies alive? how do you split your time between two little humans staring up at you?  I would get actual sweaty palms and a pit in my stomach every time I talked about it. Since having them home, my anxiety has been minor. Just your average worries, concerns, and multiple checks for breathing throughout the day. The babies had their first pediatrician appointment last week and everything looked great so far for both of our babies. There was minor concern about Gibson's crooked little feet (his doctors think they will straighten up on their own and are just a result of being smushed up in the womb) and Posey's head is a little bit long so we need to try our best to keep her laying on the back of her head and not the sides. Two minor issues to work through so I am thrilled. 

i'm sure as time goes on, things will change. the babies will be more active and require more attention from me throughout the days and nights. but right now, in this moment, i am in full control of this. motherhood suits me and i bounce up to tend to their needs immediately. i talk to them and kiss on them both all day long and staring at them melts my heart. That first night that Gibson came home, I was terrified. I stared down at him and didn't feel a connection. I watched Andrew change his diaper and feed him and felt so out of my element. Maybe all moms feel like this with their first born and maybe we just don't talk about it enough. But it only took a few days (and the addition of one more baby) to get me feeling comfortable in this new lifetime role. Our house has never been cleaner. The laundry is done daily. I vacuum around their bassinets while they nap. Everyone is happy and content and I feel personally responsible for creating that feeling. Welcome home, baby Posey and Gibson. I love you both so much, it brings me to tears. 

our life in the NICU

we are just over two weeks into our NICU journey and it's been a mixed back for sure. Don't get me wrong, I want my babies home. Of course. But this down time between pregnancy and taking them home has been a gift i'm not taking for granted. i have had a few weeks to let my body heel while nurses cared for our twins. I have been able to stretch and move and sit on the floor and i have cleaned every square inch of this house. Cabinets that were organized have been reorganized now that i have had a few weeks to see what we will be needing soonest. (Those 6 months bottles that were taking up space in the cabinet? down to the basement they go) And most importantly, it's given us a sweet little gift of just being the two of us for a little bit. We weren't married long before getting pregnant. And pregnancy did not bring out the best in me. We missed out on that honeymoon stage (and the honeymoon!) and it's been a blessing to get this little bit of time to enjoy each other again before the real adventure begins. 

Our babies are doing great, everyday making progress. We are just waiting on my lazy little suckers to get their bottles down consistently for 2 days before we are free to go home. It will be surreal when that day comes. What I'm looking forward to most? reintroducing them to one another! They have been "apart" (about 5 feet apart. but still. they gotta miss each other!) for far too long now and this mama is ready for stroller walks, couch snuggles, and all of the chaos. Bring it on! 

our twin babies' birth story

I assume it’s hard to keep from choking back tears while any parent sits down to write about their babies’ birth story no matter what, but our case (as always) had a few extra turns and stops. It only makes sense that Andrew and I wouldn’t get a “normal” and uncomplicated experience with our twins’ birth, but trying to stay positive is all I can do right now. We’re home. Our apartment is exactly how we left it. Nothing has changed almost in creepy way. The only difference is my stomach is deflated, our dining room table is covered in paperwork, and we don’t have two babies here. Yesterday when we got home, we put away all of our bags, toothbrushes, and sat down to watch T.V. together like it was just another night. But if you’re interested in the days leading up to it, here’s our twins’ story (from what I remember) of how they got here.

I woke up last Sunday morning feeling as miserable and normal as I had for weeks previous. I needed help sitting up, I probably cried twice, and Andrew told me it would all be OK and would be over soon. We were in the middle of a very easy conversation about what we wanted to do with our Sunday. Sleep longer? Go get brunch? Go baby shopping for the millionth time? And just as we were chatting back and forth, I felt a warm sensation between my legs that I hadn’t experienced in months. It felt exactly like starting my period and I instantly got scared. I reached down and pulled my fingers up to see blood and Andrew, the most calm and level headed human, said we might as well call our doctor just to be safe. This was one of the first times he had ever suggested getting a doctor’s opinion and 5 minutes later, the on call doctor told us to come into the hospital just to be on the safe side. It’s almost comical now looking back at the weeks leading up to here. I had worked myself up to not knowing exactly how all of this going into labor stuff would work with twins and it turns out, i would never experience any of it. My water didn’t break, I’ve never felt a contraction, and it was a pretty calm 6 minute drive to the hospital. We parked in the emergency room parking lot, walked in with one little bag I had thrown together, and grabbed a wheelchair. I remember not really “needing” a wheelchair but I just wanted to be pushed. We walked onto the hospital floor and all of the lights were low. We joked that Sunday was definitely the day to come into the hospital and it felt empty and peaceful. The first thing I remember was peeing in a cup and my pee didn’t look good. You could tell it was mixed slightly with blood and the nurses and staff already seemed concerned. I didn’t.

Keeping in mind my anxiety and needing to know less than more, there were plenty of pregnancy side effects that I probably could have looked into more, including preeclampsia. I’m still not quite sure what it is except that it has to do with having high blood pressure; something that hadn't been even the slightest issue at every doctor's appointment up until this point. I remember several nurses telling me that the experience of getting a magnesium drip was not going to be fun. It was at first described as making you feel loopy, groggy and sleepy and we joked that that sounded awesome. But by the time the drip was in me, I was in hell. My face was on fire, my legs felt like they needed to keep shifting, I was bawling, I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t stop apologizing to Andrew. This was Sunday night and continued pretty much all day Monday and into the evening.

All day on Monday, several staff members came in, poked me with needles, gave me steroid shots, checked my blood pressure, and after several hours, we were told we would be staying over night again. Even writing this out, Andrew had to fill in the blanks for me, as I couldn't remember what was going on but that man never left my side and paid such close attention to what was happening, I'm forever grateful for having the best partner. My mind was a little blown away that we would be staying again but I just looked at Andrew who said it was all just to make sure everything was OK and to not worry. By Tuesday morning, my magnesium drip had been taken out, the babies heartbeats had been checked a million times, and someone came in to give me breakfast. I'll never forget that tray of French toast and bacon and I scarfed it down finally feeling a little better after the drip had finally been removed. I assumed we would be going home soon and back to our normal week. 

Several minutes later, another knock on the door and I thought it was someone coming to get my breakfast tray. Nope. It was yet another staff member in scrubs saying they were going to induce that day. I almost needed to hear it twice. We were going to induce that day. Tuesday. Tuesday, August 7th, with both of our babies being just below 34 weeks, we were going to induce and have them in just a few hours. Andrew jumped up from his chair bed he had been sleeping on and said he was nothing but excited and nervous. My doctor and midwife assured me that this was because of my health, not the babies, and that they were going to be great, just small of course. We spent the rest of our early Tuesday afternoon phoning family and honestly just trying to mentally prepare ourselves as I watched the clock hands. Andrew helped me tweeze my nose ring out and I took a hospital shower. I called my parents and could hear the hesitation in their voices from not really understanding what was going on.

After a while my doctor and midwife came into my room and I instantly felt better. My midwife has been my saint throughout this pregnancy and just seeing her face there made me feel more calm and that I was in familiar hands. They told me that due to the preeclampsia, I wasn’t able to have the anesthesia for a c section and that they would be putting me to sleep. Now, I understand how devastating that could be for some moms. They want to see the babies and hear crying and “experience” it. I on the other hand, was terrified, so the idea of going to sleep and waking up to them just being here sounded amazing to me. I was thrilled. They wheeled me back to a small room filled with moms and babies and my mom ran down the hall to catch up to us. I had told her that morning that she probably wouldn’t make it in time to see me go, but she did and I’m thankful for it. And once we got settled in to our little nook, the anesthesiologist came out to talk to us and said that my numbers had gone back to a better position and I could have a c section. It worked out for the best and Andrew was now allowed to come back and be with me. I know he would never say anything, but I could tell he was disappointed at the idea of not being back while I delivered so everything worked out beautifully. I was rolled into the OR, which was kept at a whopping 80 degrees and filled with the brightest lights I had ever seen. I was quickly made numb, flipped onto the table, and then I heard Andrew walk in and sit by my head.

The entire c section process felt like it took 10 minutes. Almost too easy. I have actual guilt on how easy their birth was. Each baby was held up to my face so I could see them and it was the most surreal feeling. They were tiny. Our first baby that came out was our son, Gibson, and then his little sister. And I made them. We made them. All of their fingers and toes and eyeballs and the most precious little noses I have ever seen in my life. Andrew said they were perfect and he was right and we even got lots of OR footage from our midwife that I am forever grateful for. It’s a little graphic but I don’t care. The babies were quickly taken away and the next several hours were a blur. Each of our parent sets came back to give us hugs and that was that. We were parents. To two beautiful babies that have a fight in front of them.

Tuesday night, we walked up to the NICU to see our babies and I still can’t put into words what it’s like staring at babies you made. But I do have to note that I was 100% sure Posey had 6 fingers on one hand and was actually a boy. I stood there and cried feeling guilty until the next day when I told Andrew who just laughed. Our babies are growing bigger and stronger everyday and I have high hopes of when they’ll be home to us. Crying hurts my c section spot, so I’m trying to keep it together, but I just can’t believe my pregnancy is over and our babies are finally here. I’m so relieved that they are in the best hands when we aren’t there and for the next several weeks, I can focus on taking care of myself, making sure everything is ready for their arrival, and pumping as much as possible. We have a long journey in front of us but we got so lucky and will never forget that. We love you Gibson Lawrence and Posey James, our perfect little miracles! 

my placenta encapsulation

There were a few things we knew we wanted and could have at least a little bit of control over when we found out we were pregnant with twins:
1. We wanted to keep their genders and names a secret until they were born
2. I would try my best to find a way to keep my anxiety low
3. I would also do my best to breastfeed two kids at one time without driving myself crazy or feeling obligated about it.

Most people that have read along here know I had severe anxiety from the very beginning of this pregnancy. I wouldn’t wish those feelings onto anyone and they stayed pretty strong throughout the first trimester. I would go from feeling completely fine to instantly not being able to breath, crying, throwing up, and it was terrifying. I was lucky Andrew was able to rush home almost always just to check on me but I wanted to have more control by the time the babies were here. And I knew that if you suffered from anxiety and depression while pregnant, there was a much higher chance for depression afterward which I reeeally am trying to avoid as best I can (one week out, so far so good!)

So after looking into healthy, safe, and natural ways to help my body get through this next chapter, I found that I really loved the idea of having my placenta encapsulated. Have you heard of this before? Do you know someone that has had it done? Does it freak you out a little bit? I totally get it. It is wild to say the least but here is a little run down of my experience so far!

It’s been in our plan for months and even though the end of our pregnancy didn’t go as expected or hoped (more on that crazy story later) my placenta was able to be taken home with us and didn’t need any further testing once the twins were born. Basically, when we were discharged a few days ago, my placenta went from sitting in a freezer at the hospital to sitting on my lap while I was in my wheelchair... in one of those giant plastic buckets like you buy cheap ice cream in. It was heavy, kind of hilarious, and made me proud just holding it!

After looking into several recommendations from people and of course being mindful of prices, we went with Lauren Wales from Luminous Bodywork and I can't say enough good things about her. She showed up at our house and let me sleep, took the time to answer my questions, and even took a few photos of my heart-shaped placenta that made me cry. I’m hesitant on sharing photos of the process since they’re a little graphic but when I walked into our kitchen and saw her working away, I couldn't help but stare in amazement! There it was in all of its glory! I asked Andrew to come in and watch a few minutes of the process. Bless his heart he’s the best sport ever.

It was simple enough to watch; our doula boiled down water, lemon, and ginger and after my placenta resembled what i can best describe as a pot roast, she left it overnight in a dehydrator on our kitchen counter. She returned the next day, ground up my placenta, and encapsulated the powder. It was one of the neatest processes to watch and knowing it came straight from my body and was going to help my babies and myself made it even better. She even had some salve and lotion made from it too for skin and scar issues later. She left me with well over 200 pills, a salve, and tincture at a price of $250. 

It’s common around the world for different people to eat and ingest their placentas and it’s supposed to be very helpful with milk supply (since my twins were born early, I need all of the help i can get) and even help with energy and depression. I’ll be taking 2 pills 3 times a day for the first two weeks and then tapering down to 1 pill 3 times a day after that. Lauren even said if you find yourself making an abundance of milk, you can take less pills. An abundance would be the best thing ever considering our twins are in NICU currently and I’m so hopeful that my placenta will help me to give our babies the best mama I can be. Thank you again to Lauren from Luminous Bodywork for doing this for us. I’ll report back in a few weeks to share my experience!

*ok, I know I said I would report back in a few weeks, but I have to shout from the rooftops really quickly how happy I already am for doing this. I was getting 1-3mL each pump and was feeling very discouraged already. I was dragging my feet at this process because I have zero patience and it wasn't going how I thought it would. But yesterday was the first day I took an entire day's worth of pills (6 pills) and last night I pumped 50mL in 15 minutes. I cried. I ran around the house with an extra pep in my step. I can't stop staring at it in the fridge and I can't wait to take it up to the NICU later toady for the babies!! I don't expect to make that kind of milky magic every time, but just seeing it finally happen and knowing my body is working was worth every single penny for my pills. 

click here to get in touch with Lauren and to start your own encapsulating process!

just a quick little nursery tour

We just returned home from our 30-week appointment and it's feeling more and more real every day that soon, I'm gonna be a mom of two little humans. I still don't believe it some times that 1. I'll be responsible for two little lives and 2. that there are even TWO babies to begin with! But then I hear those heartbeats and I get more and more excited. (Baby B's face looked just like Andrew's today. Even the ultrasound tech pointed it out. This stuff is wild!) The doctor said both babies look great, have strong heartbeats, and my blood pressure is excellent. Basically, with the help of nightly cinnamon sugar pop tarts, I have given these kicking monsters a pretty decent home for the last 2 million months, so I tried to make them an equally decent room for when they're earthside. 

We still have kept our babies' gender a surprise and I wanted to keep their nursery as neutral as I could without it being too bare. Neutral, calming, and pretty simple was the plan and I think we made it happen. I am not a fan of baby animal motifs or even themes that I would be sick of in a few months so we kept the room looking like just another room as far as paint and hardware, but with baby pieces throughout. No, we did not buy a changing table. No, I didn't cover the walls in baby-themed art and pastels. And no, there are not cloud and unicorn shaped mobiles hanging over each crib. I just couldn't do it. I'm a minimalist to an extent when it comes to filling our apartment with "stuff" so I had hoped I could keep the babies' room matching that idea. success! 

I think every parent has their #1 concern when it comes time to start investing in baby pieces; travel items, feeding items, cloth or disposable diapers, etc. Our biggest concern? S L E E P. We knew pretty early on we wanted to invest in Snoo Smart Sleepers from the time the babies were born, but they are only recommended up until the babies are 6 months old. Those bassinets are in our bedroom and will stay there until it's time to transition them into their cribs. So where do you go when you want a super simple, clean-lined, modern crib that won't break the bank? Ikea of course! My grandma bought us our cribs and they are exactly what I wanted; no frills. At first, we had them aligned under the light fixture facing out but it seemed like a huge waste of space. This positioning makes way more sense for us. 

we used our old tv stand/dresser as a changing table/dresser and so far, I think it's going to work out perfectly for us (after being sanded, stained, and a quick brass spray paint job on the pull knobs). We still have several empty drawers which makes me very very happy! I bought this dresser for a few dollars at the thrift store years ago and it was missing that bottom left drawer, so I filled that space with some old copper bins for swaddles and immediate diaper changing supplies. The drawers are filled to the brim with newborn and preemie pieces, socks, shoes, accessories, and swaddles that smell so good, I can't even describe it. Clothes that we've purchased or been gifted that are 0-3, 3-6, 6-9 and so on are hanging in their closet, in order of size, surrounded by boxes of diapers (again, in size order), wipes, and small storage baskets of pacifiers, thermometers, and plenty of other goodies.  

one of my best friends gifted us these precious onesies for our shower and they're just too cute to not display until the babies are big enough to strut around in them. 

every good nursery seems to have a little nook for reading/breastfeeding/crying into your glass of wine so this corner felt perfect to make one, too. Don't ask me how we accumulated so many books without trying. We got several from our baby shower, a few I had from my childhood, and they just started adding up! We read to my belly and it melts me into a pile of goo listening to Andrew. 

and there she is! Nothing too over the top, nothing fancy, but just perfect for our little city apartment that they'll be growing up in for a little while. Sometimes I'll just open the door, pop my head in, and smile. We hope you babies like this space as much as we do!

Sources:

Sniglar Cribs

book shelves

DockATot loungers

Light Fixture (similar)

Shag rug

Round brass mirror

Ultrasound Wall Art

Fawn diaper bag

Baby Sunnies

dresser: thrifted

blankets & pillows: Home Goods, Ikea, Homemade from grandmas

my #1 pregnancy pain remedy

if you follow along with me on Instagram, you know that this third trimester is starting up and it's already rough. I'm scared for what the next 2 months have in store for this giant body of mine. We're talking bloody noses, creaky knees, and let's just say that my wedding ring now sits in a box because my fingers are huge! I've never felt sexier to say the least *eye roll* But all jokes aside, it's getting more and more uncomfortable every day and while I know it's normal, especially with twins (you guys, I gain roughly 5 pounds A WEEK) it doesn't make it any less difficult. So I  asked my fellow mamas over on the gram what their favorite pain remedies were. Warm baths, body pillows, and essential oils were mentioned several times, but the number one suggestion- a maternity massage. I had never even heard of this before! It wasn't long before I discovered Becoming Mom Spa and I was instantly intrigued. I joke with older women all of the time about how thirty years ago when they were pregnant, women didn't have all of these resources at their fingertips, the good and the bad. But a spa dedicated to expectant mothers? Now that is an idea I can stand behind.

I went there yesterday and had the slightest bit of anxiety on the drive up. It was new and unfamiliar which always gets me a little restless. But I was greeted immediately with calming music, relaxing smells, and smiling faces behind the desk and that anxiety disappeared instantly. They offered me treats and water and let me waddle back and forth to the bathroom as many times as I needed to without feeling rushed. I first met Renee who handed me a giant fluffy robe that felt like a cat giving me a hug and I climbed up on the table for my facial. The longest, most thorough facial of my life. She was the sweetest most friendly thing and I yacked her ear off from beginning to end, but I could have slept through the whole process if I hadn't kept asking her questions about her life (I'm a blogger, what do ya expect?). She also gave me advice on what my skin will do once these babies are out and made me feel so much relief because I don't even recognize my face anymore. After the best, drool-worthy facial, I moved to the next room for my body massage where I was met with another smiling face. I laid on my left side first and wiggled under the blankets and before she even came in the room to start, I was already feelin' goooooood. She focused on my lower back, knees, and ankles (someone remind me to send her a Christmas card. I love her) and I could just feel all of my tight knots and joints loosening up. Between the dark room, her soothing voice, and her magical fingers that had the ability to knead my body like dough, I could have slept in that room forever. No seriously, I nearly got an Uber home because of just how relaxed I was.

It was a perfect afternoon that I am still feeling the relief from and it is now my #1 suggestion for any women out there expecting a baby or postpartum. As a total newbie to Becoming Mom Spas and being a mom in general, I think I can safely say that this company has a number one goal in mind- to let us women with 2000 questions and concerns about our bodies and babies relax for a few hours knowing that they have done the hard part for us and we are in the best hands, literally. Everything they are using to make us feel good is safe and natural; from the body oils all the way down to the nail polish they use (Natural Nail Polish!!) So the time that you spend there is dedicated to strictly relaxing your head and body while not worrying for a few hours of your day ...until you leave and go back to the real world to google "How much Dr. Pepper is safe during pregnancy"? and "Can I take my husband's multivitamin if I run out of prenatal pills?"

If you are expecting or want to make an expectant mama's day, check out Becoming Mom Spa for specialty maternity massages, nail & skin services, and even ultrasounds! Thank you so much to the ladies that gave me the best afternoon (and nights sleep) I've had in weeks!!

*this post is sponsored and all opinions are my own.

baby blueprints & a baby update

It's been a wild couple of weeks lately and this blog kinda took a backseat to just about everything. have you missed me!? Don't answer that. But I needed to take some time to handle some heavy stuff that was going on in our home with our babies. If you follow along at all through other social media sites, you have a good idea of what I'm referring to. As of last Thursday, we were told by our doctor that it looked like our baby A had clubbed feet and that our baby B had a cleft lip. She told us that she wanted us to go see a specialist who would be able to tell us for sure and I instantly lost it. I laid back on the table while she and Andrew both tried to calm me down and relieve me from my panic. And while telling us this and trying to keep me calm, my doctor must have repeated five times “We just can’t get a good angle of them, we can’t tell, this is not definite, don’t start panicking". It didn't help. I still panicked. While I know these are both minor inconveniences in the grand scheme of life and pregnancy, it was still scary and totally intimidating and caught me completely off guard. It made me feel more guilt and disappointment in myself than I ever knew possible. I thought I screwed them up and I thought I caused these issues. 

The first day was definitely the hardest and it was a long six days of trying to be optimistic and wait for our doctor's appointment. The night before going, I absolutely broke down and was basically dragged to the specialist the next morning where we would find out what exactly was going on in there. We arrived 15 minutes early as instructed and after an hour of taking nearly 200 ultrasound photos, trying to focus on breathing and squeezing all of the life out of Andrew’s hand, our doctor told us the best news possible. Not only did baby B’s mouth look totally fine and cleft lip free, but baby A’s little feet weren’t of much concern either. At this point they’re so small and wiggly that they can’t tell much on the foot and the baby could be born perfectly “normal” or need a brace of some kind. Pfff that's nothing. I can take that no problem! I sat on the table and cried the most relieved tears of my life. We were able to see our babies sucking on their hands, they had each grown 3 ounces in just six days, and they even went from being head down in the lower right section of my belly to facing each other completely flipped around with their heads kinda under my belly button. Their hearts, brains, and spines looked good and we couldn’t be more thankful that the last few days are over. 

I never knew I could love and worry about someone (or two someones) so much without knowing them. I've never cared about anything so much in my life and now, I worry about them all day every day. I wish they could just shoot me a text from in there and tell me "hey! we're fine You don't need to feel so guilty if you want to eat Taco Bell!". We're at nearly 23 weeks and while I'm feeling good most of the time, I'm ready for them to be earth side. I'm ready to see them and hold them and smell them (Oh my goddddd I can not wait to smell them) and look back on this pregnancy as a challenge that I'll never have to face again. 

Especially with twins, they tend to come earlier than expected. So even at 23 weeks, that doesn't necessarily mean they'll be waiting 17 more weeks to meet us. It could be sooner and we're trying our bet to get as prepared as possible and that project started with the nursery. I wanted that room done as soon as possible so I could just kind of check it off of my mental list of things to do (that list also includes clean behind refrigerator, vacuum all air vents, and figure out how to give a cat a bath) But first up, the nursery! Every few days, it comes together just a little bit more. It is now filled with cribs and baby books, and more Goodwill onesies than I knew existed. I wanted to keep it pretty simple, soothing, and calm in there with not a long going on (before our kids take it over and make a mess of it) 

So a few months back, a friend of mine tagged me to show me an Etsy shop called Baby Blueprint. I'm so glad she did because it introduced me to what would soon be my favorite piece in our twin's room. A print from one of their ultrasounds (Specifically, my favorite print of them. They're still tiny but they're just starting to look like babies and they still fit in one frame. We called them our water babies. Do you remember those dolls?!? They're too big now to fit in one photo and it's totally bittersweet. Isn't that crazy!?) The prints come in a variety of sizes and colors, but a simple black one was right up my alley and it turned out so very perfect, I cried when Andrew brought it home. No seriously. I had been in a bad mood from bleeding gums and a sore lower back and he walked in with a big smirk on his face and said "I got something that will cheer you right up" I said "I doubt it. I'm not comfy today." and then he pulled out our twin's first framed photo together and I smiled ear to ear. I'm so excited to keep it in our nursery and then move it to our photo gallery wall once they're older. Thank you so much Baby Blueprint for making this mama's day, week, and month. We love it so much!  

this post is sponsored by Baby Blueprint

if all of pregnancy felt like the second trimester, the population would triple

in my best Janice from Friends impersonation, Oh. My. God. You guys, there are definitely still hard days here and there and some weeeeird pregnancy side effects (blood blisters on my fingers? hearing my hear beat in my ear all throughout the day? STILL hating the smells of spices/meat?) but so far this second trimester has been a dreamy wonderland compared to that haunted house of a first trimester that I will never experience again. At this point, it seems like a distant nightmare. The feelings of crippling anxiety and not wanting to leave the house just don't make sense now. I say to myself over and over what was I so afraid of?  but in the moment, it doesn't matter. It's paralyzing and no one can talk you through it. It was all on me to breathe, cry, take a bath, or just close my eyes and get through each time that my anxiety was overwhelming me. But once we hit the 12 week mark, my doctor prescribed me to an anti anxiety medication and between that and my hormones finally calming down a little bit, life is finally starting to come back into focus. Feelings of fear are being replaced with excitement and feelings of dreading to leave my bed are replaced with "hey you wanna run to Target?!" 

Today marked 18 weeks of being pregnant. We stay up Wednesday nights until midnight when our pregnancy app switches us over to the next week's size/baby update and it's lame but we love it. They are now the size of sweet potatoes with eyelashes and are learning to smell and swallow. It's 51% beautiful and amazing and 49% creepy to me still. I mean... there are people inside me. That's just weird! Our next appointment will be an intimidating one filled with checking on hearts and brains and we hope for the best results possible. So far our doctors have told us we're in great shape and everyone in there is right on track so we're just going to keep being positive and giving these babies whatever they want (last night, it was a bag of carrots and a bag of gummy worms. I'd like to think each baby has a very unique sense of appetite!) 

To celebrate the day, I figured it was time to let my maternity leggings get a break from their daily job of holding me all together and go out to find some maternity clothes. Anyone that knows me well, or not even well, knows I don't spend a bunch of money on clothes and usually I could care less what I'm wearing. I'm frugal to a point so buying clothes that will only be useful to me for a year or so was hard. But several people suggested an outlet shop nearby and I walked out with several pairs of jeans, dresses, shorts, and more.... all for $31!! I nearly hugged the cashier. I got home and showed them all to Andrew and had myself a nice little fashion show and for the first time in months, not only did I feel proud of myself, I felt good about myself. I was able to get into my car and sing along to the radio and talk to my babies and go through a drive thru for food and shop at a store all by myself without even once having to talk myself through it. A pastime I used to thoroughly enjoy of being on my own and doing my own thing has seemed daunting for so many weeks that I've lost count. and today I did it. and the reward was stuffing my sweet potatoes into new pairs of jeans and looking forward to this belly getting bigger and bigger, now that we've got the waist band ready for it! 

This pregnancy stuff isn't for everyone. and it's harder than hell to watch your body change right before your eyes. But we are so lucky to be experiencing this and I'm so proud of how far I've come on my own and how great we are doing as a team. We are almost HALF WAY DONE and I'm so excited to meet them!! and since no blog post out there is worth a damn without some photos, here's a few of my bump in our new clothes!! aren't they cute?!

a gender neutral nursery inspo

how to keep your pregnant wife happy: advise from my husband.

*this cute little video seemed kind of relatable, although Andrew didn't need to take a breather on a doctor's table once we found out about our twin surprise. That guy has been a champ from the get go and I couldn't ask for a better partner. And now that he's a bloggin' husband, it only seemed appropriate for him to write up his own post on a subject he has become quite familiar with the past several weeks- how to keep me from bursting into flames or tears.*


My First Blog!

Some of you may know me from previous posts on lovejamiedawn.com, others may just now be getting your first introduction to me. So, hello! I’m Andrew, I’m a Virgo and I enjoy half a pack of sweet and low in my Iced tea. 

It has been an exciting 7 and half(ish) weeks since learning that we were expecting a baby! Even more exciting in the past 4 and a half(ish) weeks since we learned that we were expecting two babies!  (2 babies) 

As I’m sure there is with every pregnancy, there has been some highs and some lows.  As a man, I can’t even begin to imagine everything that is happening within the body and mind as two humans grow inside of you, so I have been doing my best to be there for Jamie and help with everything I can.  So for any expected moms out there that have a boyfriend/husband/baby daddy that may need some insight, I thought I’d list out some of the things I’ve been doing. Some of these tips & hints may sound medically related, please don’t consider any of this actual medical advice, I didn’t attend any form of Med School (Although I have watched the first few seasons of House, many times)

Be there for all the appointments

- Going to the doctor’s office can be stressful, emotionally draining, and scary.  There isn’t really anything that the doctors need you for, but your presence there can help your SO more than you probably think

 Think about what’s for dinner/lunch/breakfast

- Not only is your SO not going to want to cook, they are going to hate things they used to love and love things they had never thought about eating before. Pay attention to the things that seems to go along with their appetite and plan the meals you cook around that (also, take it easy on seasonings and extremely aromatic foods)

Keep her drinking water

- If she is growing a baby, then that is pushing on her bladder, she is peeing (a lot – don’t tell her that though)  Water is a key component in the body, she needs it, the baby needs it. Make sure you are staying on them about always having water with them. 

Do what she asks

- Don’t be a dickhead. The roller coaster of emotion going on in her life is possibly going to make things seem strange to you. Just go with it. If she wants to put her cold feet on you, just let her. If she wants to eat Dorito and pickle sandwiches for dinner,  you make a plate of pickle and Dorito sandwiches for dinner. 

Be there to listen and have patience. 

-  There are going to be a lot of thoughts, fears, emotions and they are going to come and go as quick as they can. Be the reassuring voice for her. Let her vent her thoughts, and then help her think them through. Be patient, especially if this is a first pregnancy, no one knows what they are doing. No question is stupid, do your best to give the best answer you can to it.

Take over the cleaning duties

-  If your house is like ours, it stays pretty squeaky clean 99.7% of the time. All of that credit is to my wife. She does a great job of sweeping/mopping/dusting/etc…Guess what is more important now, growing babies. A clean house is a calm house. Don’t be a slob and expect your wife to continue to keep up with house cleaning as she did prior to the pregnancy.

Love her.

- Duh. Tell her she’s beautiful. Give her a good hug for no reason. Just let her know that you are there for her, without having to say it.

Okay – Whew.  First Blog complete.  I’d like to thank everyone that made this possible. My agent, my baby mama, and most notably Baby A and Baby B. If everyone has enjoyed this piece, let me/her/someone know – and maybe I’ll pop up for a guest appearance again.  

my first trimester essentials

I wish I could start this post with a hip hip hooray! I'm feeling all better! But that would be the biggest lie ever. I threw up this morning out of nowhere and I've had Ritz crackers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So we aren't quite out of the woods yet, but I'm definitely feeling much better than I did a few weeks ago. It was probably the hardest and worst 1.5 months of my life and it felt like it would never end. I get antsy just thinking back on it. Moving on! 

We had our 11 week ultrasound this past Monday and it was the neatest thing I have ever experienced. I didn't realize that this early on, the babies would start to look like... well...humans. But they did! We saw arms and legs and a whole dance party going on in my uterus. I'm glad they're having a good time in there while I've lived on the bathroom floor :) their heartbeats were strong and they wiggled around at us. I cried a lot as always. It's scary when you hear "high risk pregnancy" with twins, of course, but I'm trying to look at our glass half full and focus on the good. Like how we get to go to the doctor's often, see our babies, and ask a million questions. (they love me there.) I can't say enough how much a compassionate team of women on our side is putting me at ease. Myself included! I apologize to Andrew about a hundred times a day for being a burden, being weak, for being constantly upset, for being so needy, for not cleaning the house. And god, that man just smiles, rubs my head, kisses my forehead and tells me I'm perfect. I made this quick little post of my top 5 first trimester staples, but if I'm being honest, his face should be #1 on that list! He's mine only though, so here's the other essentials that you can buy for yourself :)

actually, this is more of a nightly routine kinda list, but that's ok. My days are pretty much filled with one thing on my to do list: stay alive.

1. Start your evening with a nice warm bath featuring Epsom salt. I found waaay too much research good and bad online about baths while pregnant. So much information that it ruined a relaxing bath by worrying. So I talked to my doctor who said baths are great! just keep the water not super hot, make sure your skin doesn't turn red, and watch your heart rate. (sometimes I'll take an ice water in there with me to balance it out) but a hot bath with Epsom salt helps with achy bodies and anxiety (epsom salt has magnesium in it so it soaks into your skin)

2. after your bath, rub down with Cocoa Butter stretch mark lotion. This is my first pregnancy so I have no idea what's "normal" and what's more of a twin pregnancy trait. But ... At 12 weeks, my belly is already creepin' out. After every bath and shower, I slather globs and globs of this stuff on my stomach, boobs, and thighs. It smells pretty good (although if I'm being honest, smelling anything that often gets old. but if it helps keep my belly from looking like a road map, I'll deal with it)

3. Once you're settled into your pajamas or your husbands oversize t shirt, sip on some Natural Calm. THIS is a big one. Most people that read along on here know that this pregnancy has brought on super high anxiety for me. (I even thought I was having a panic attack and that's why we went to Urgent Care, where we found out we were pregnant to begin with! What a lovely story haha!) anyway I don't try and understand the science behind it, but I know I'm not alone. A girlfriend of mine absolutely saved my life when she recommended taking this from her own experience of anxiety during pregnancies. Most people don't realize they have a magnesium deficiency and it can easily trigger anxiety. A scoop of this magical powder in a glass of water every night helps me to calm the fuck down. you can feel it taking action and it's my number one recommendation to anyone, pregnant or not.

4. While you sip your drink and slip into a relaxing coma, scrub down your legs with a body brush. I bought this months and months back to help with circulation and cellulite. It was great. But one of my top pregnancy symptoms was restless legs while I try to fall asleep. Truly one of the most aggravating feelings out there. Andrew scratches my legs with the brush before I go to sleep and I swear it does something to help keeping the blood moving and keeps my legs from freaking out all night.

5. By now, you should feel like a bowl of jello. So sink into bed and turn on an oil diffuser. We put one on our wedding registry and it has become a nightly necessity. A few drops of lavender oil help me to fall asleep and avoid a night of tossing and turning. 

who knows if I'll add anything to my essentials as we creep our way into the second trimester, but these are the key ingredients that are helping me to keep my head up, stay strong, and know that there is an end in site. and most importantly, I will get through this! Thanks you guys for reading along with the craziest journey ever! Twin pregnancy! 

a Valentine's day baby update

^ two half dozen roses, one from each baby, as my Valentine's day gift. Oh, and my husband got me a bag of Doritos too. Three perfect gifts that I won't put in order of importance 

happy day after Valentine's! I'm writing this from my bed where I'm grabbing mystery chocolates from a heart shaped box and just hoping for the best (the ones with the cherry in the middle? gross. So so gross) it's been a long couple of weeks of growing humans and so far all I can say is- I'm not sure how the population is so high. I don't think I could do this a second time. Granted, I've been reassured by several moms that have had single pregnancies and have also carried twins and pretty much all of them agree that twins are just ... harder.  I hate to sound like an even whiner victim, but I'm trying to tell myself that every time I feel myself starting to lose it or think there's something wrong with me. I posted a photo on my Instagram account recently acknowledging how hard this has been so far and the out pour of love from so many mamas from all over was overwhelmingly beautiful. It makes me feel less alone (and crazy) when other women are telling me that this is all normal. And yes, we are lucky. yes, this is a blessing. yes, this is beautiful. But fuck, I am allowed to tell the world how uncomfortable I am and let everyone out there know that pregnancy is not just sunshine, rainbows, and cute monthly bump photos. It's hard. And I love all of you for letting me scream that from the rooftops freely. 

Our babies are growing like crazy and it's soooo cool to read my pregnancy app every morning and see what's going on in there and what's on their agenda. I call my midwives way more often than I care to admit and ask the most lame questions that I need answered immediately: can I eat blue cheese crumbles? Can I sit in a hot bathtub? Can I take a men's multivitamin if I run out of my prenatals? Can my kids sense when I'm masturbating? (the answers in order: yes, yes, yes, LOL no) and luckily, they are all angels with senses of humor and seem to deal with crazy people like me on the regular.  But god aren't women just such bad asses?! I can't believe our bodies can do this! and t's no wonder I'm exhausted all the time. "Sorry I didn't get around to doing the laundry today, I'm growing eyeballs and toes for two people growing inside of me." has become my new go to joke and luckily, I live with a saint. Andrew has kept the house clean, fridge full, laundry done, rubs my legs, let's me cry all the time, sleeps on the couch, and runs every errand under the sun so that I can focus only on relaxing and staying alive over here. We're almost out of the "hard part" and I'm already seeing a bump growing, my skin looking better, and my mood is slowly improving. 

We went to dinner last night to celebrate our last Valentine's day where we can avoid a wait and sit at a bar.  We held hands and kissed and enjoyed the date that has been our first in a while. But about forty minutes later, I was ready for the check and to get my ass back home.  just writing this out has exhasusted me so it's time for my 3rd bowl of cinnamon toast crunch for the day and yet another nap. 

we're pregnant times two and holy crap what!?

ok, so I know in my last post I may have briefly at length written about my uncontrollable anxiety. I may have touched a little bit on how my emotions have been insane lately. I guess I left out a pretty big piece of the puzzle. We're pregnant! The story is kinda funny and kinda awful but it's ours to share and share we shall! 

a few weeks back Friday the 19th of January, we were on our way to a ski trip with family.  I had been looking forward to it since even before our wedding and couldn't wait to hit the slopes with my brand new husband and the fam. So we woke up that morning and started our drive up north when I just started feeling.... off. I feel nauseous and uncomfortable in the car and totally had an out of body experience of feeling weird. It scared the shit out of me. We stopped multiple times for me to get out of the car and just breath a little bit. I called my mom at one stop and her first question, as always, was "could you be pregnant?" i can't explain how much that woman has wanted a grand kid and so it's always her first solution to any problem. So at this point, my answer was "no, I think I'm just having some sort of anxiety attack? kinda? I don't know." so a few more Wendy's bathrooms later, we were finally at our hotel. I was dehydrated so after chugging several plastic cups of water and gumming down a banana, I felt just the slightest bit better. slightly. We're talkin' don't look at me, don't breathe toward me, don't ask how I'm feeling because it could shift at any second. We shared a room that night with my mom and step dad where I sucked on peppermints and cried myself to sleep. In the morning, I felt awful again. Tingly handles, hotter than hell, and nauseous again. I had looked forward to this trip for weeks and I wanted to experience skiing with Andrew who had never been so I gave it my best effort to suck it up, get my ski clothes on, and get in the car. Five minutes later, upon arrival at the ski lodge, I knew that skiing wasn't in my future that day. I walked out of the lodge by myself and threw up in some bushes while snowboarders walked by. It was a lovely site to see I'm sure! I finally made it to my car where I knew something was wrong. I told Andrew I cannot do this and I gotta get out of here. 

It made sense to us, being from out of town and having no clue what was wrong with me, to hit up the Wal Mart pharmacy down the street. But it took about 2 minutes of the pharmacist watching me sob for her to suggest we go to the urgent care down the road. SO! We get there and I poured my heart out to a doctor. I felt like I was losing my mind, couldn't breathe, I didn't want anyone to try and console me, and nothing made me feel better. The doctor was sweet enough and pretty much just summed up this was an anxiety attack of some kind and without much more discussion, she sent us across the street to Walgreens with a prescription in my hands for Prozac and Xanax. At this point, I guess I felt a little bit of relief knowing that magical pills would soon be in my hand, but even sitting in the Walgreens waiting area, I couldn't shake the feeling that something else was going on. So, while Andrew munched on a small box of cheerios and some Starbucks drink in the lobby chairs, I bought the cheapest pregnancy test Walgreens had to offer. And about 30 seconds later, our world was flipped on its ass because holy fuck babe we are pregnant! My first reaction was crying and laughing and crying because holy crap is this real!? And my soon after second reaction was yelling to the pharmacist "don't hand me a Xanax! Don't give me Prozac! We're pregnant!" we caused quite a scene. Well, I did. So big that the pharmacist came out from her little cubicle to give me a hug and say "congrats! You might wanna head back over to the urgent care" so we did. The doctor apologized for not immediately asking if there was any chance we were pregnant and we all three had a good, nervous, terrified laugh. I must have asked Andrew "what are you thinking right now?" 10 times in the 5 minute drive back to the ski lodge, where I couldn't find my mom soon enough. She was sitting at a table in the lodge when we pulled out our pregnancy test and changed her world forever. She screamed, she cried, she hugged us, and then she got back on the ski lift haha. I called my dad and a few others because I can't keep a secret to save my life (obviously) and that was that. We were pregnant. Married for a few months with a baby on the way, no clue how far along, and with a million questions that would remain unanswered until we got home. I owe the world to my baby cousin for paving the pregnancy path for me. She suggested I try out her OBGYN and saved me god only knows how much time and stress of finding someone I liked. So we made our first appointment for Tuesday the 23rd, where we learned 1. Yep, you guys are pregnant and 2. You're not very far along at all. So it didn't leave much room for excitement, more so just anxiety of hoping everything would be fine for the next few weeks. 

*this appointment was on Tuesday. It was that Friday night that we decided to not go on our trip. I know, I'm a big fat liar. While everything in my post was true, my anxiety was through the roof and it was an honest nightmare, it's safe to assume that my pregnancy hormones had a huge part in all of it*

So a few weeks went by of no more smoking, no more drinking, plenty of puking, lots of crying, and about 100 questions asked and answered in various mommy Facebook pages. Which leads us to today!!! The day started like I knew it would, me crying because i was terrified. Terrified to not hear a heartbeat, scared that the baby was a dream we made up, worried that somehow I wasn't doing enough to keep it alive for those two long weeks. Andrew assured me that no matter what, we were fine. We weren't trying, we're young, we will be OK no matter what. So we got to our appointment, laid down on the table, and stared up at the screen hoping to see anything resembling what I've googled as a healthy fetus floating around in there. And then we heard it- a heart beat! A tiny little heartbeat of a hummingbird that instantly made me cry in relief. We did it! So far, so good, and it's alive and my body did what it was supposed to do!

Everything looked good and we all three started giggling about the good news. And then the technician moved around her vagina probe and told us she had some kind of sad news. There was a second sac but it looked as though it didn't grow the way it was supposed to. The thoughts of two babies was way too much for my head to wrap around but it was a wild thought for a second. whoa. two. could you imagine? And then, with a little more navigating with that wand of hers, 5 seconds later, she says "oh wait. Hang on. yep! there it is, two! Two heartbeats. Do you see them?" 

and I did. I saw two little firecrackers up on the screen blinking like crazy and I couldn't stop laughing and haven't stop laughing since 11 am this morning when our lives changed x2. 

we are having twins. Twin babies. Two babies will be relying on us to keep them alive and love them forever and while it still doesn't feel real, it feels right. It feels like whoever is controlling this universe knew that Andrew and I would have enough love and life to give to not one baby, but two. We are so blessed and even now, several hours later it's hard to see my computer screen through the tears. We're scared, we're nervous, and we're gonna be broke forever haha. But holy shit- here we go!! babies!!!